Top 30 Funny Jokes

1. 

A lady goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for his arsenic. The pharmacist asks: 
- Lady, what do you need for arsenic? 
- To kill my husband! 
"Madam, I can not sell you arsenic for this reason, I'm sorry," says the pharmacist. 
Then the lady wakes up in her purse and takes a picture of her husband who was making love to the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says: 
"Ah, excuse me, I did not know you had a recipe.

2. 
Men and computers are the same: they are hard to understand, they always have insufficient memory and there is always something better.

3. 
A man in the bookstore to the vendor: 
- I would like the book entitled "Man's Superiority to Women"! 
- Utopia and SF on the 1st floor, please!

4. 
A guy looks at TV and wakes up with a pan in his head from his wife: 
- What is that, dear? 
- What's the name of Laura Jonson? 
- That's a horse name I bet on horse racing, so it's a horse. 
Leave the quiet bitch. The next day, again, the guy wakes up with a fryer in his head. 
- Is that why, honey? 
- Your horse called!

5. 
A very seductive woman enters a bar, goes to the toilet, and when she comes, she goes directly to the bartender and begins to gladly grieve at the bushy beard: "Are you the boss?" She asks, stroking her face both hands. "No, it's not me," he says. "Can you call for me, I want to talk to him?" She said, walking her hands and his hair. "I'm afraid not," replied the visibly excited bartender, "Can I help you?" "Yes," she said, putting two fingers in her mouth and letting him suck, "Tell her it's not hygienic paper and soap to the women's toilet"

6. 
The woman goes to the animal market. She wants to make a surprise to her husband. 
- Hello Mrs! 
- Hello, I would like a parrot. 
- Unfortunately, we have only one parrot. True, so far he has lived in a brothel, but he is very cute. 
The woman buys it. At home he covers and awaits his beloved husband. The husband gets home, he enters the room, his wife takes a piece of crab from the cage. The parrot looks around and says, 
- Hm... new room, hm... new bed, hm... new whore. Hello, John!

7. 
A gamer dies, and after death he gets to Hell. After a week, Satan calls to God: 
"Lord, what a madman you sent me, destroyed all the boilers, killed all the demons, ran all the Hell, and cried in the big mouth." Where is the exit to level 2? "

8. 
A woman walked down the street and noticed an old man sitting on a chair in front of the house. 
- Excuse me, I could not help but notice how happy you are, what is your secret for a long, happy life? 
- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink six bottles of whiskey a week, eat only fatty foods, and never do sports. 
- Exciting, but how old are you? 
- 26.

9. 
The husband gets home at dawn. The wife asks him with a tone of quarrel: 
- Where have you been all night? 
"Imagine, dear, even when I went home, the new secretary brought me coffee and gave me a provocative smile. When she put the coffee on the table, she opened the blouse and could not help kissing her neck, to which she became savage and we both lost my head. Finally, I came to her home and made crazy love all night. 
- Lying! I bet you tried to install your Windows again.

10. 
Man to God: 
- Why did you make the woman be so beautiful? 
- To love her. 
"But why did you do such a bad thing?" 
- To love you too.

11. 
Recently, a global survey was conducted. The question was: "Please let us know your opinion about the lack of food from the rest of the world." The survey was a total failure: 
- in Africa they did not know what "food" means; 
- in Western Europe they did not know what "missing" means; 
- in Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" means; 
- in South America they did not know what "please" means; 
- in the USA. they did not know what the "rest of the world" meant.

12. 
Call a blonde at the police: 
- They broke my car, stole everything... and the steering wheel, the pedals, and the gearshift, everything... 
Within 5 minutes, she puts his hand over his head and calls back to the police: 
- Excuse me, I got into the back seat of my car!

13. 
One day, a wife complains to her husband: 
- Honey, I'm unhappy with my little breasts. 
Her husband replies: 
- Take a piece of hygienic paper, rub it between your breasts and in a few years you will see that it will grow. 
- How do you know? wonder the wife wondering. 
- With your ass it worked, right?

14. 
A man comes to the doctor and confesses to him that he has problems with his potency. The Doctor says: 
- That's not a problem anymore! A new drug, Viagra, has just been released on the market, ending all such problems. 
The doctor prescribes the pill and our man leaves. After a few months, the doctor meets the patient in the street: 
- Doctor, your medicine is a miracle! I thank you from the bottom of my heart! It's great! 
"I'm glad to hear that," says the doctor. What is your wife's opinion about this? 
- Wife?! our man is amazed. Well, since then, I've never gotten home...

15. 
Two cops discuss: 
- Why do you want your baby to sleep on the closet? 
- Last time he fell out of bed and did not hear.

16. 
Differences between office and jail: 
1. At jail sit all the time in a 8x10 room. At your desk, sit all the time in a 6x8 room. 
2. At jail three times a day. You have a snack in the office that you pay for. 
3. At jail you have time to meditate on your life. You do not have time in the office when you work on things so deep. 
4. At the jail, a guard opens and closes the doors behind you. At the office you need to be careful with the keys when you come and go. 
5. At jail you can watch TV. In the office you burned if the boss caught you doing this. 
6. At jail, she gives you visits to family and friends. At the office you do not get to call family and friends. 
7. At the jail the maintenance is paid by the state and you do not have to work. In the office, after you work, out of the money you give you all taxes and what is left?

17. 
A policeman comes home one day with a TV last snap. 
- Where do you got the TV '? ask your wife. 
- I won him at a contest organized by the police. 
- What kind of contest? 
- Mathematics. 
- And what did they give you to do? 
- "What is the result of 5x5?" And I, with 17, went out in third place.

18. 
A guy goes to a plastic surgeon: 
- Doctor, I lost my ears in an accident, please help me! 
- No problem, I'm putting on a pair of ears from a blonde... is it bothering you? 
- No, I do not think, there are all the ears. 
A month passes, after which the woman returns to the disoriented cabinet. The doctor asks her: 
- What happened, do not you hear it well? 
- Yes, I hear, but... I do not understand anything!

19. 
One day, a gentleman sits on the door of an old man, elegantly dressed, with a vacuum cleaner in his hand. She does not even get the old woman to open, the guy starts: 
- I'd like to introduce you to the most powerful vacuum cleaner... 
As he spoke, he threw a considerable amount of manure on the carpet in the hallway, explaining: 
- Stay calm, if this vacuum cleaner does not clean everything that is on the carpet, I promise I eat what remains! 
After listening to the whole story, trembling with nerves, the old woman answers: 
- I hope you have a craving, I do not have a current this morning!

20. 
The working woman goes to the police to complain: she would have been raped. Policemen ask: 
- Tell us what happened exactly. 
- See that I was washing down and suddenly a man appeared behind me. She attacked me from behind. 
- And you did not try to run? 
- But how did you run? On the right wall, on the left wall, on the back of the man, and on the front I washed already on the floor...

21. 
The husband comes home and asks his wife: 
- What would you do if I won the Lotto? 
"I'll take half and I'll leave you," her wife replies. 
"Perfect," says the husband. I won $ 12. Take 6 and disappear!

22. 
Two blondes talk: 
- You know, yesterday I did my pregnancy test! 
The other, very curious: 
- And were the questions difficult?

23. 
In a school, there is a terrible noise in a classroom. The director enters the classroom and feels terrified that everybody yells, beats, some climb the banks. The director goes quickly to the noisy and takes him out of the room. It is suddenly quiet.
- Where's your teacher? 
- You just kicked him out...

24. 
After a two-month adventure, a young woman asks her lover with excitement: 
"When will you present me to your relatives?" 
- My dear, for now it's impossible. The children are in the country, and my wife is in a delegation!

25. 
On the plane, in the first class, a lady is seated next to a gentleman. At one point, she begins to sneeze, and every time she begins to tremble from her whole being, then she gently wipes her nose. 
History is repeated, to which the gentleman beside her addresses: 
- Excuse me, I do not want to inappropriate you, but I can not help but wonder why you shake so hard every time you sneeze? 
- Because I suffer from a very rare disease, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. 
To which Mr., a little embarrassed that he has not heard of such a disease, he asks cautiously: 
- And you get something? 
- Yeah... pepper...

26. 
Why do blondes know how to sing nicely? An empty head has better acoustics!

27. 
A witch, hearing that the Viagra miracle pill works for women, took one and walked through the forest. On her shoulder stands, of course, a raven. The witch encounters a young man with a mad sexual desire, tells him: 
"If you recognize the creature that sits on my shoulder, I will give you a night of love! 
The young man concentrates and says: 
- A bull?... 
Which witch: 
- A bull is you, but it passes from me...

28. 
Doctor, I think I have problems with my eyes. 
- Why do you think that, sir? 
- Well, since I got married I can not see a penny through the house...

29. 
- Mom, says a blonde, I'm pregnant! 
- Pregnant?!... Where were your head? 
- Like where, on the pillow.

30. 
A fool warned a brother of his in the yard of an asylum: 
- See that you have a hole in the umbrella! 
- Know. I did it to see when the rain stops.

Source: http://www.jokesforfunny.com/