By Jeffrey Hall
Throughout our lives, we all experience some type of trauma involving death, betrayal, failures, or discomfort. But for many of us the most traumatic experience that will change so many facets of our lives is a broken heart. A broken heart that will lead to permanent scars that will last for the rest of our lives.
For many people, broken hearts will leave them questioning their character, affecting their ability to trust, leave them in deep dark depression, isolating themselves from others, and building a wall so high around them that it's nearly impossible for anyone to get in. While all of these effects of a broken heart will be short term, many of these will do permanent damage to one's psych.
Many people argue that healing a broken heart is much like dealing with death and you go through the different stages of grief. While everyone will have unique experiences and will deal them differently, the lasting effects are nearly all the same. Two people that are very close to me have experienced broken hearts that have left them missing out on opportunities and have damaged them to the extent that relationships will most likely never exist again in their lives. For the sake of protecting the identities of these two individuals, this article will refer to them as Rachel and Chris.
Rachel, a female at the age of 26, experienced more than one broken heart. Her situation is very unique though. She was in relationships that were often physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive. Rachel dated the masters of manipulation if you will. In each of her relationships she became very codependent and convinced that she needed the person that she was with and no one else could be better for her. These patterns became a constant in her relationships to the point where she almost became attracted to that type or lack of better words, dependent on these behaviors. Now this statement does mean that Rachel was looking for these behaviors in guys she dated, it's more gearing towards the idea that she started to adopt the idea that these behaviors were more of the norm for her and all relationships.
In her last relationship, one that would end up in engagement, she experienced major trauma. The physical and sexual assault was taken to a whole new level. This time it resulted in suicidal thoughts, deep depression, the thought that she couldn't escape it, and even hospitalization. She was literally imprisoned by her significant other to the point that she was accepting the idea that leaving the situation was not even possible whether she wanted to or not. This led to a series of events that forced her hand to leave the situation. One of Rachel's parents took a stand and forced her to be removed from the situation without her having a say. Her mother literally drove and picked her up and said "your coming with me'.
Of course Rachel experienced a broken heart following her forced removal of the situation she was in. She experienced all of the effects of a broken heart; questioning her character, affecting her ability to trust, it left her in deep dark depression, isolating herself from others, and building a wall so high around her that it's nearly impossible for anyone to break down to get in. According to Rachel, her way of "coping" are characteristics of her personality type, an INFJ. While this statement may be true, in my personal opinion, I believe that she is using her personality type to overshadow what is truly happening. She is living with the fear of being in a relationship again because she would rather turn away from relationships as opposed to seeing that her idea of "no one is good in the world" is actually wrong. As a result she moved miles away from her home and begin living a life of solidarity.
Much like Rachel, Chris also experienced major broken hearts that have had lasting impacts on his life. While they share similar circumstances and had similar effects, how Chris dealt with his broken hearts, is very different than Rachel's.
From the time Chris was a teen, he experienced heartaches associated with relationships that mostly involved betrayal. All of these relationships resulted in him questioning his character, affecting his ability to trust, left him in deep dark depression, isolating himself from others, and building a wall around him that even the best of destructors couldn't break down.
Chris' last two broken hearts came from a marriage that ended due to adultery and a relationship that was on the break of engagement but ended due to the girl moving away. Both had lasting impacts on Chris' ability to let people in his inner circle. He often pushed people out and began to isolate himself from situations that he could not control. Therefore, Chris became extremely lonely and deeply depressed. His life became unmanageable to the point that he almost committed suicide twice, one of which he was nearly successful. In addition to suicide, depression, and building a wall, Chris began to lose trust not only in his self but in others as well. He started to adopt the idea that all people were born to hurt others and that egocentrism was simply a part of life. As a result, Chris stopped dating, became very cold hearted, and became emotionless to avoid attachment and eventually let down again.
Now fast forward nearly a year later. Rachel decided to move to a place that she had never visited before to continue her education and to begin a new life for herself by escaping the situation she was in living in her old town. Chris made a few changes to his lifestyle as well. He revisited his building blocks in his life to get himself re-established personally and professionally.
Now living in the same city, Chris and Rachel began working at the same place of employment. Call it just a coincidence or call it fate, they met, began talking to each, and started dating. The natural chemistry and their history helped to develop a special bond between them that most people thought made them inseparable. But before things could get any better, they got worse. The effects of previous relationships began to develop that wall that Rachel had let down to let Chris into the picture. This wall was caused by outside factors mostly influenced by people who had only seen Rachel in abusive situations. The feeling of never being able to trust again began to invade Rachel. While experiencing all of these effects from her trauma from previous relationships, she let a good one slip away. One that would have been her fairy tail ending. Instead of living a happy life with Chris, Rachel cut her contact with him altogether leaving her self in pain, hurt, emptiness, confusion, and a lack of a better word, lonely, all of which she had experienced with her traumatic relationships except this time it was out of fear that she had found happiness but that it was too good to be true.
Chris also experienced the same effects. After the short stent that resulted in a crushing blow to him, he went back to the ways of being cold hearted, no longer trusting people, and feeling like he was betrayed. Although this was a different type of betrayal, he classified it as the same as before because he experienced the same emotions. While he had every right to be upset, Rachel did not deserve to have been treated that way. Like Chris, Rachel also had the right to feel the way she did. However, if Chris had accepted, acknowledged, and respected Rachel's thoughts, feelings, and emotions, Rachel may have came back to him. Instead Chris took his hurt out on Rachel and said some things that reminded Rachel of the abusive relationships of her past. Although Chris is not like the guys of Rachel's past, in her eyes she only saw him just another guy who hurt her and would hurt her further down the road causing life long damage just like the rest of them.
The story of Chris and Rachel's broken hearts continue to this day. They are both struggling with the loss of one another. Now Chris and Rachel are dealing with how heal a broken heart which has been a struggle for the both of them over the years resulting in vulnerability and not knowing how to deal with their emotions in a way more conducive for themselves.
In conclusion, is there really a right or wrong way to deal with a broken heart? No one can really answer that but the person who is dealing with it themselves. Our friends and family provide us with support and their opinions on how to deal broken heart, but all of them have a difference in an opinions leaving the broken hearted in a state of confusion and placing them into a deeper zone of depression. For Chris and Rachel their search for healing will continue until their answers are found.
This article discusses the effects of broken hearts and how we deal with them differently but experience similar circumstances related to them.