It's amazing to me, what we humans are willing to put up with.
Especially how much women will tolerate in their relationships with
their kids, partners, bosses, co-workers... even strangers.
We seem to have mental blocks about standing in our own power. Some of it comes from an invisible, but pervasive expectation by many that men are stronger and should be deferred to. There are cultural expectations that women are powerless. And much of it comes from our upbringing.
But how can women access their power without denying their Divine Feminine?
The Divine Feminine is the embodiment of the sacred made manifest. We, women, are the enactment of the sacred power of creation and yet we are denied the reverence and wonder this encompasses. It's time women remember their birthright... their light and to stand in that power.
So how do we, as Divine women, reclaim our rights without doing so at the expense of other?
One way in which we give away our power is by not enforcing our boundaries. When you were growing up you might have been told that other people's needs were more important than yours. Or maybe you grew up with parents who expected you to be a people pleaser (very common pattern with women). Were you encouraged to not ask questions, especially with an authority figure? Or you may have made to feel that you were responsible for other's feelings or behaviors.
Our ability to set boundaries begins with our belief that we are "worth" it. When we set boundaries for ourselves, we are taking our needs into consideration. Often times when women attempt this, we meet resistance, especially if those around us are used to seeing us in the role of caretakers, people pleasers or doormats.
One client seeing me in order to learn her self-worth lamented "I've tried setting boundaries, but my parents get hurt, my husband gets mad and my kids feel abandoned. What's the use?"
Unfortunately, we've taught people how to treat us. And they will do what has worked in the past to get their way and will escalate those behaviors. Boundaries are like an energy grid you place around yourself. It's a spoken or unspoken statement of how you want to be treated. And if it's tested, you have to enforce it!
Here's a common example many parents can relate to:
Mom or dad is at the market with their child. As they approach the checkout counter, the first thing the child sees is all that candy at their eye level (you don't think the markets do this on purpose do you?). As they approach, the child starts asking for the candy. Mom/dad says "No, you'll ruin your dinner"? What does the child do? They raise their voice and start whining about it. "But I want it. I'm hungry. You never let me have anything." The parent again says no. And again the child starts in, only this time louder and shriller. This scene goes on until the parent gives in and gives the child the candy... "just this once".
Mom/dad has taught the child that if they keep it up and get louder and louder eventually the parent will give in. The child has won!
A warning: The minute you set a boundary, someone will test it and test it and test it. If you give in, don't expect them to honor it at all. After all, you've just taught them that if they push hard enough you'll give in and they will get what they want.
So how do we set up a boundary?
First identify where in your life you feel like someone is stepping over their bounds with you. Or where are you letting others mistreat you?
Decide on the behavior you want, as well as the consequences of their crossing the boundary. The consequences should be in alignment with the issue.
For example:
You and your partner have a child that acts up in restaurants.
You explain to the child that the behavior is unacceptable and it has to stop.
You tell her that the next time you're in this situation, you will give her one warning. If she doesn't stop acting up, one of you will pick her up and take her to the car. The other partner will continue to eat their dinner in peace while you and the parent sit in the car. When that partner is finished eating, they will come out to the car and you will all leave.
(Obviously, you and your partner have to discuss this beforehand as to who will stay and who will leave. And you'll want to pack up your partner's dinner.)
Believe me, this does work. The key is to follow through on your consequences as you will be tested!
Another example:
Your partner or child refuses to pick up their mess before bedtime.
You explain to them that the next time this happens; you will change the time to cleaning up after dinner. If that doesn't work, then you will take their belongings and put them in boxes in the attic.
Obviously, you must follow through on the consequence even though it might be hard!
When setting the boundary, you want to set up a quiet time to talk about it with all the involved parties. If it's with kids, then both partners must be in agreement on the boundary and the consequence.
While talking to them, you must control your emotions. Stay calm and keep out of the "blame" talk. And avoid taking the bait if they attack verbally.
Listen to them and let them vent but be very clear and specific of what your boundary entails as well as letting them know the consequence of crossing it.
And remember: you teach people how to treat you. Not only by what you say or do but by how you treat yourself. If you don't feel you deserve to be respected no one else will either.
The underlying issue of setting and enforcing boundaries is related to our own sense of self-worth or self-esteem. There's a belief somewhere that holds us back from a sense of deserving to be treated with respect, kindness and love. Sometimes we hold onto shame or guilt... sometimes we're told as children we don't deserve love... and sometimes, through our own choices, we decide we don't deserve respect.
The truth is that we all deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love.
Whatever your belief is, you can uncover it and begin to make changes. If you feel this is an issue for you and want to get rid of it, please consider giving me a call and let's get you living a life you deserve!
We seem to have mental blocks about standing in our own power. Some of it comes from an invisible, but pervasive expectation by many that men are stronger and should be deferred to. There are cultural expectations that women are powerless. And much of it comes from our upbringing.
But how can women access their power without denying their Divine Feminine?
The Divine Feminine is the embodiment of the sacred made manifest. We, women, are the enactment of the sacred power of creation and yet we are denied the reverence and wonder this encompasses. It's time women remember their birthright... their light and to stand in that power.
So how do we, as Divine women, reclaim our rights without doing so at the expense of other?
One way in which we give away our power is by not enforcing our boundaries. When you were growing up you might have been told that other people's needs were more important than yours. Or maybe you grew up with parents who expected you to be a people pleaser (very common pattern with women). Were you encouraged to not ask questions, especially with an authority figure? Or you may have made to feel that you were responsible for other's feelings or behaviors.
Our ability to set boundaries begins with our belief that we are "worth" it. When we set boundaries for ourselves, we are taking our needs into consideration. Often times when women attempt this, we meet resistance, especially if those around us are used to seeing us in the role of caretakers, people pleasers or doormats.
One client seeing me in order to learn her self-worth lamented "I've tried setting boundaries, but my parents get hurt, my husband gets mad and my kids feel abandoned. What's the use?"
Unfortunately, we've taught people how to treat us. And they will do what has worked in the past to get their way and will escalate those behaviors. Boundaries are like an energy grid you place around yourself. It's a spoken or unspoken statement of how you want to be treated. And if it's tested, you have to enforce it!
Here's a common example many parents can relate to:
Mom or dad is at the market with their child. As they approach the checkout counter, the first thing the child sees is all that candy at their eye level (you don't think the markets do this on purpose do you?). As they approach, the child starts asking for the candy. Mom/dad says "No, you'll ruin your dinner"? What does the child do? They raise their voice and start whining about it. "But I want it. I'm hungry. You never let me have anything." The parent again says no. And again the child starts in, only this time louder and shriller. This scene goes on until the parent gives in and gives the child the candy... "just this once".
Mom/dad has taught the child that if they keep it up and get louder and louder eventually the parent will give in. The child has won!
A warning: The minute you set a boundary, someone will test it and test it and test it. If you give in, don't expect them to honor it at all. After all, you've just taught them that if they push hard enough you'll give in and they will get what they want.
So how do we set up a boundary?
First identify where in your life you feel like someone is stepping over their bounds with you. Or where are you letting others mistreat you?
Decide on the behavior you want, as well as the consequences of their crossing the boundary. The consequences should be in alignment with the issue.
For example:
You and your partner have a child that acts up in restaurants.
You explain to the child that the behavior is unacceptable and it has to stop.
You tell her that the next time you're in this situation, you will give her one warning. If she doesn't stop acting up, one of you will pick her up and take her to the car. The other partner will continue to eat their dinner in peace while you and the parent sit in the car. When that partner is finished eating, they will come out to the car and you will all leave.
(Obviously, you and your partner have to discuss this beforehand as to who will stay and who will leave. And you'll want to pack up your partner's dinner.)
Believe me, this does work. The key is to follow through on your consequences as you will be tested!
Another example:
Your partner or child refuses to pick up their mess before bedtime.
You explain to them that the next time this happens; you will change the time to cleaning up after dinner. If that doesn't work, then you will take their belongings and put them in boxes in the attic.
Obviously, you must follow through on the consequence even though it might be hard!
When setting the boundary, you want to set up a quiet time to talk about it with all the involved parties. If it's with kids, then both partners must be in agreement on the boundary and the consequence.
While talking to them, you must control your emotions. Stay calm and keep out of the "blame" talk. And avoid taking the bait if they attack verbally.
Listen to them and let them vent but be very clear and specific of what your boundary entails as well as letting them know the consequence of crossing it.
And remember: you teach people how to treat you. Not only by what you say or do but by how you treat yourself. If you don't feel you deserve to be respected no one else will either.
The underlying issue of setting and enforcing boundaries is related to our own sense of self-worth or self-esteem. There's a belief somewhere that holds us back from a sense of deserving to be treated with respect, kindness and love. Sometimes we hold onto shame or guilt... sometimes we're told as children we don't deserve love... and sometimes, through our own choices, we decide we don't deserve respect.
The truth is that we all deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love.
Whatever your belief is, you can uncover it and begin to make changes. If you feel this is an issue for you and want to get rid of it, please consider giving me a call and let's get you living a life you deserve!
Debra has coached CEOs, government agencies, corporations and individuals to improve their lives, both professionally and personally. A published author, Master trainer of N.L.P., Hypnotherapist and creator of Neural Pathway Restructuring™. She can be found at http://www.debrafentress.com or http://www.NeuralPathwayRestructuring.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Informations From: Taun17