Loving Yourself When in Conflict



One of the questions I often receive is about how to manage conflict. If you think back to the role-modeling you received regarding how to manage conflict, you will likely remember that your parents or other caregivers fought, complied, withdrew in anger, blamed or resisted, or just shut down and ignored the conflict. Do you have any images of your role models loving themselves through conflict, and of healthy conflict resolution?

Lissel asked:

"When I'm in a conflict with someone I start to feel anxious, angry and withdrawn from the person. Then I start to think about the conflict, what I said, what the other person said, and it goes on and on. It makes me feel nervous. What to do in these situations?"

Lissel, you feel anxious and angry and you withdraw because you are abandoning yourself rather than loving yourself. There are only two ways of managing conflict that are loving to you.
  • If you are capable of opening to learning about how you see things and how the other person sees things, and you think that the other person will open to learning with you, then it's loving to yourself to open to learning, which can lead to win-win conflict resolution.

  • If you can't open or you know the other person won't open, then loving yourself means lovingly disengaging, which is very different from withdrawal. When you withdraw, you are angry and punishing the other person by withdrawing your love, but when you lovingly disengage, you are loving yourself by getting yourself out of range of the conflict. Then, do your Inner Bonding work and come back in 30 minutes to see if resolution is possible. If not, you need to decide for yourself what is loving to you in the face of the other person being closed to resolution.
We all need to accept that we can't hear each other when we are angry, so there is no point in saying anything when one or both are angry.

Lissel, if you were loving yourself through the conflict, you wouldn't ruminate. You ruminate when you abandon yourself.

Maureen asked:

"How do I talk reasonably with my husband when he gets so fired up over any question that challenges his way of thinking?"

Maureen, it's not possible to talk reasonably with your husband when he's fired up. When we are angry, we are operating from the lower part of our brain. The reasonable part of us isn't even online. This is the time to lovingly disengage, and perhaps try to talk about it later, when he is calm.

Shelly asked:

"My boyfriend can get mad and scold me like a child and uses an angry and intense tone. I ask him to please not talk to me that way and he often continues. I bring it up later and he does not seem to understand how hurtful this is and he does not apologize. I feel so disrespected and abused. It is damaging our relationship. I know that I should just leave when he behaves that way and if I do he will then ignore me for several days then he calls me. We are caught in this terrible cycle. I feel like we are at the end of our relationship. Any advice?"

Shelly, there is no point in continuing to ask him not to talk to you that way because you have no control over how he talks you, or whether he will talk about it later or apologize. The only thing you have control over is you. By trying to control him rather than lovingly disengaging, you are allowing yourself to be disrespected and abused, and are disrespecting yourself. You are staying and being abused to try to control him into not ignoring you for days, but you need to accept that this is what he sometimes does. When you show up for yourself and choose to love yourself rather than continue to try to control him, things might improve between you.

Loving yourself, including in the face of conflict, can have a major impact on all your relationships!

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
Join IBVillage and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
 
Previous Post Next Post
  • Message From the Universe: Nothing Good Comes From Looking Into Your Past!

    "From where I sit, it is a mystery to me how so many can look back on their past with pride, yet frown with disappointment at their present. Somehow forgetting that back then, they were just as self-critical, while somehow missing that today they've never, ever, been so close to all they've ever wan... Readmore

  • Tips To Help Prevent Indigestion - Time To Replace Bad Habits With Good Ones

    Good digestion isn't as simple as chewing an after dinner mint. So, instead of mints, we're serving all the best current advice to keep your digestion on track.If five people sit down to dinner the chances are that one of them will suffer from indigestion. Many sufferers go to their local chemist an... Readmore

  • Turmeric: Nature's Wonder Drug - Or Not?

    Unless you've been living underground, you have likely heard an overwhelming amount of information related to turmeric this past year. Somewhere along the way it was awarded super-spice status and now can be found almost anywhere you look, from supplements, to grocery store products, to even toothpa... Readmore

  • The Essential Key Takeaways You Get When You Have Good Health

    People of today have a very busy schedules and very diverse lifestyles. Everyone would live to maximize their time and make up for everything they want to do. This is not something bad, many aspire to multi-task as much as they can but then stress and illness kicks in, it's a different story already... Readmore

  • 3 Reasons Why Flu Vaccinations Are Useless And How To Prevent The Flu Naturally

    The U.S Centre for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends a yearly flu vaccine as "the first and most important step in protecting against flu viruses." This advice applies to everyone 6 months of age and older, CDC stressing that you "should get a flu vaccine as soon as [they] are availabl... Readmore

  • Type 2 Diabetes - Lowering Your Blood Sugar in Four Steps

    Given modern food choices and lifestyles, high blood sugar has become a concern for many people. There is a good chance you will have to look after your reading at some stage in your life if it is not a concern already.The good news is blood sugar readings are something you can control. With proper ... Readmore

  • Type 2 Diabetes - Risk Factors for Heart Disease in People With Diabetes

    Risk factors are anything that raises the chances of an individual to the likelihood of developing a particular disease or injury. Having diabetes in the family, for instance, is a risk factor for developing Type 2 diabetes. Scientists at Central Michigan University and various other research facili... Readmore

  • How Does Bariatric Surgery Help With Type 2 Diabetes?

    It is a known fact that weight loss surgery helps patients with type 2 diabetes. For some patients, it helps reduce the blood sugar levels. The results are seen just a few days after the surgery. This essentially means that they will require reduced medication or no medication at all! According to r... Readmore

  • Understanding Teeth in One Day

    Since the invention of dental implants back in 1952, there have been significant innovations powered by the massive advancement in technology since then. The latest such innovation is called Teeth in One Day or immediate Function implants. As the name suggests, you will have your smile restored in ... Readmore

  • Type 2 Diabetes - Control Your Appetite, Control Your Health

    Did you know your appetite correlates with the state of your health? After all, if how you eat determines your weight, there is something to be said about how it influences your well-being. Many of us tend to underestimate just how important it is to control our appetite and our food portions despi... Readmore