By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
What do you do when you have stuff to do that is hard for you, or stuff that may be really boring to you - like studying for an exam, doing your taxes, creating and sending in a resume, getting rid of clutter, and so on. How often do you put it off, procrastinating because it seems too hard or too boring?
Once you procrastinate, then what do you do? Do you judge yourself for not getting it done, beating yourself up in the hopes of getting yourself motivated? What happens then?
Do You Believe That Judging Yourself Works?
The wounded self often believes that self-judgment will get you to do what you need to do. But how often does this backfire? You might feel so bad from the self-judgment that you are afraid to even start to do the hard stuff, fearing that you will not be able to do it - that you are not adequate to the task. You might find yourself immobilized, distracting yourself with something like TV, rather than doing what you need to do, until you are really under the gun. Then the anxiety of not getting it done takes over again, and you finally do what you need to do - but all of this has taken a huge toll and you are exhausted. Not great for your health.
Try Compassion Instead
I want to encourage you to try a different approach next time you have hard or boring stuff to do, or anytime you find yourself procrastinating. Instead of judging yourself, see if you can bring in compassion for the part of you that doesn't want to do what you need to do. See if you can acknowledge that what you have to do is hard or boring - that even though you may really want to do it, you may be anxious about being able to do it. Or, you may not want to do it, but know that you have to. Notice what happens to your willingness to do the hard or boring stuff, once you are being kind to yourself.
As you open to your compassion and an intent to learn, you might discover that you are not really worried about being able to do it, but rather that doing this kind of stuff makes you feel alone and lonely. If this is the case, acknowledge it, rather than judging yourself for it. Some of my clients who have hard work to do, such as writing a book or planning for a lecture, find that they do better if they ask someone to sit with them, and some find it helpful to go to an Internet caf�, rather than try to do it alone.
The wounded self will always want to put things off, saying things like:
"I have enough time. I'll get it done later."
"This is too hard. I don't think I can do this."
"I really don't want to do this. It's so boring. Maybe it will magically go away."
"I'm going to feel too lonely doing this. I'll just watch TV and have some ice cream and then maybe I'll feel better."
Loving Yourself Changes Everything
When you are operating as a loving adult, you can address these wounded statements with compassion, as well as bring in the truth: that it is hard or boring, that it might feel lonely, but that you are capable of doing it, that it won't magically go away, that you don't want to be under the gun - with all the anxiety that goes with that - and that you will likely feel really great once it is finished.
When you have a loving adult present, you might find numerous ways of getting the work done without the agony of procrastination.
Even if you continue to procrastinate at times, showing up as a compassionate loving adult will always feel better than self-judgment, and will eventually lead to taking more and more loving action.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Work Healing Process to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.