I entered the ladies bathroom and came across a sign taped to the mirror, "No Soap Any More! Thanks". After a few minutes it occurred to me that the sign was significant... not the lack of soap but the lack of clarity.
I'm inclined to think that the writer of the note is a woman, for two reasons... (1) because it was in the women's bathroom so it's unlikely for a man to have been in there and, (2) because it is typical of women's communication - ambiguous. Most women reading this article will interpret the sign as I did initially, as meaning, "dear person who replaces soap, there is none left in the dispenser and I'd like some so, could you please refill it. Thanks in advance." But men reading this article will see my point that the sign can also mean, "There's no more soap in this dispenser - thanks for that outcome", or possibly even, "I don't want any more soap in this dispenser, so don't refill it, thanks." In fact, the meaning of the words written is more close to the second two interpretations than to the first.
Now, I think the most likely intended meaning of the note is the first interpretation - can we have some more soap please, but why is what was written so much closer in meaning to the second two interpretations that no more soap is required? Because women are uncomfortable asking directly for what they want.
There are two reasons for this discomfort, biological and cultural. The biological reason is that women, typically caregivers of infants, are especially skilled at ambiguous communication because they must interpret signs from their children rather than receiving clear, direct communication. Over hundreds of thousands of years, women have become skilful at, and comfortable with, this type of communication. Culture typically takes over where biology ends, and underlines it. Most human cultures stereotype women as vague and emotional, and men as decisive and rational (though I see plenty of evidence to the contrary). A biological skill becomes a personal imbalance or weakness at the hands of cultural exaggeration. In this case, someone who wants soap (I think) has managed to write a note expressing quite the opposite sentiment.
This is a problem we need to address as women, our unwarranted cringe at asking directly for what we want handicaps us at work and backfires on us in adult relationships. How many times have we heard the complaint from men that we require mind reading? Whilst I do believe there's plenty of scope for men, in general, to up their game in terms of relationship skills, women can help by being clear in their communications.
I know, I know... it's polite, it's considerate, it's tactful, we don't want to offend... blah, blah, blah. Look, I'm a big fan of tact; if I ask you whether I look good in this outfit I really want a tactful version of 'no'... but I still want NO if 'no' is the truth. When we become so 'tactful' that we say the opposite of what we mean, I'm going to call it dishonesty - because that's what it is, and you're not being nice to me, you're undermining my trust in our relationship.
I once explained this to a client... "If we spend all day together going from place to place, me assuming you were having a good time because we'd agreed on where we were going and then I found out, at the end of the day, that you hadn't enjoyed yourself or gone anywhere you wanted to because you were being too nice to tell me what you wanted, I wouldn't be happy, I'd be very hurt that you'd been dishonest with me and deprived me of the opportunity to see you truly enjoy yourself."
Yes, of course there are people who insist on having their own way and if you tell them directly what you want they sulk, or call names ('selfish' or 'bitch' are the typical ones), or get angry... and so you'd prefer to avoid that response. Me too! But, may I suggest you avoid that response by avoiding them rather than avoiding the truth.
So, when you need more soap, please say, "More soap please". And then apply this principle in all your relationships - the good ones will flourish and so will you, at work, in relationships, and in self-respect and confidence.
Find out about Valerie's coaching practice and her "Passion Formula" at... https://valerie-ellis.com
By Valerie Ellis
Article Source: No Soap Anymore! Thanks
I'm inclined to think that the writer of the note is a woman, for two reasons... (1) because it was in the women's bathroom so it's unlikely for a man to have been in there and, (2) because it is typical of women's communication - ambiguous. Most women reading this article will interpret the sign as I did initially, as meaning, "dear person who replaces soap, there is none left in the dispenser and I'd like some so, could you please refill it. Thanks in advance." But men reading this article will see my point that the sign can also mean, "There's no more soap in this dispenser - thanks for that outcome", or possibly even, "I don't want any more soap in this dispenser, so don't refill it, thanks." In fact, the meaning of the words written is more close to the second two interpretations than to the first.
Now, I think the most likely intended meaning of the note is the first interpretation - can we have some more soap please, but why is what was written so much closer in meaning to the second two interpretations that no more soap is required? Because women are uncomfortable asking directly for what they want.
There are two reasons for this discomfort, biological and cultural. The biological reason is that women, typically caregivers of infants, are especially skilled at ambiguous communication because they must interpret signs from their children rather than receiving clear, direct communication. Over hundreds of thousands of years, women have become skilful at, and comfortable with, this type of communication. Culture typically takes over where biology ends, and underlines it. Most human cultures stereotype women as vague and emotional, and men as decisive and rational (though I see plenty of evidence to the contrary). A biological skill becomes a personal imbalance or weakness at the hands of cultural exaggeration. In this case, someone who wants soap (I think) has managed to write a note expressing quite the opposite sentiment.
This is a problem we need to address as women, our unwarranted cringe at asking directly for what we want handicaps us at work and backfires on us in adult relationships. How many times have we heard the complaint from men that we require mind reading? Whilst I do believe there's plenty of scope for men, in general, to up their game in terms of relationship skills, women can help by being clear in their communications.
I know, I know... it's polite, it's considerate, it's tactful, we don't want to offend... blah, blah, blah. Look, I'm a big fan of tact; if I ask you whether I look good in this outfit I really want a tactful version of 'no'... but I still want NO if 'no' is the truth. When we become so 'tactful' that we say the opposite of what we mean, I'm going to call it dishonesty - because that's what it is, and you're not being nice to me, you're undermining my trust in our relationship.
I once explained this to a client... "If we spend all day together going from place to place, me assuming you were having a good time because we'd agreed on where we were going and then I found out, at the end of the day, that you hadn't enjoyed yourself or gone anywhere you wanted to because you were being too nice to tell me what you wanted, I wouldn't be happy, I'd be very hurt that you'd been dishonest with me and deprived me of the opportunity to see you truly enjoy yourself."
Yes, of course there are people who insist on having their own way and if you tell them directly what you want they sulk, or call names ('selfish' or 'bitch' are the typical ones), or get angry... and so you'd prefer to avoid that response. Me too! But, may I suggest you avoid that response by avoiding them rather than avoiding the truth.
So, when you need more soap, please say, "More soap please". And then apply this principle in all your relationships - the good ones will flourish and so will you, at work, in relationships, and in self-respect and confidence.
Find out about Valerie's coaching practice and her "Passion Formula" at... https://valerie-ellis.com
By Valerie Ellis
Article Source: No Soap Anymore! Thanks